Friday, December 7, 2007

Who Dares Wins

A blast from the past, just to show that the whining about auto drivers below is no aberration. I haven't changed as far as whingeing is concerned - at least, not in the last 5 years. This is something I wrote while I was studying in Bangalore. But it sets things in perspective, doesn't it? I mean, moan as I may about my current commute, it's nothing compared to what I went through in college. But am I thankful? No, I just keep on complaining. Maybe there's a post on the hazards of driving in Pune coming along in a few months...

Oh, and the following is no exaggeration. It sounds like it is, but it isn't. It's a faithful account of my experiences of public transport in Bangalore, circa 2002. Maybe the bus service there has changed for the better now. I don't know.

Who dares wins

A cloudy Monday morning. You get out of bed, or, as is more likely, are thrown out of bed by one of your numerous "well-wishers," whose desire is to see you "succeed in life." They firmly believe that "early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy, wealthy, and wise." You argue that you're never early to bed, what with HBO having taken a firm hold of your late-night schedule. All the more reason, they say. By waking up early, you're at least doing half of what is required. So, you might end up healthy and wealthy, the "wise" part being probably too much to expect, anyway. Just the kind of early-morning humour to lighten your day. You sleep-walk your way to 8:00 AM, and then, groggily make your way to the bus stop, where you're jolted wide awake by the sight of similarly groggy thronging multitudes.

You think this is as bad as it gets. You wish. Suddenly, an expectant murmur rises in the crowd. A faint speck of blue in the horizon. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's (gasp) a BMTC bus. The bus crawls closer, the speck becomes larger, the murmur rises into a roar, and the wave of humanity surges forward. The bus picks up speed, the speck zooms, the surging wave hits a full stop. Wait a minute! What's happening here? The laws of physics state that if a bus is to stop, it slow down, not pick up speed. But this is no ordinary bus. It's a BMTC bus. Always keep that in mind. The bus stops about 100 metres from the bus stop. The great race begins. Forget the Olympics. Forget Tim Montgomery. This is where the action is. The first guy reaches the bus in 7.32 seconds flat. I suppose India would get a lot more Gold medals if they were to keep BMTC buses at the finishing line.

The end of the race marks the start of the WWF championships. You and another guy are engaged in a race for the last spot in the bus. The other guy gains a slender lead. You fight back and draw even. However, he puts in a final burst of speed to reach the steps ahead of you. But you don't give up so easily. You grab his shoulders. He turns back. You punch him in the stomach. He doubles over. You take the opportunity to knee him in the face. The final bell rings. It's a knockout.

You have earned your place in the bus. Maybe not much, but enough to shove in a few fingers and a toe. And that's how you stay for the rest of the trip. Of course, staying this way is no joke. It requires a lot of dedication, concentration, dancing skills (to avoid the trees and electric posts that try their best to separate your head from the rest of your body), and biting skills (to deal with those trying to pry your fingers loose). After what seems like eternity, the wait is over. From your precarious perch on the edge of the steps, you see the gates of Christ college. Your adventure is almost over. Except for one detail. That's getting to the side of the road in one piece. For some peculiar reason, best known to BMTC bus drivers, the buses seem to stop only in the middle of the road. Anyway, you watchfully step out of the bus. You dodge a speeding Maruti, nimbly step out of the way of a bullet-like Yamaha, and you're on the side of the road.

You're alive! You make a fast check of your body (to ensure that all parts are accounted for), and proceed on to the gates. There, you pause to think about the coming day of impositions and seedy jokes by classmates, capped, of course, by the BMTC-sponsored ride home. And you shudder. You dared, but did you win?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

How I Could Improve My Life By Learning From My Commute

Ever wonder how much a software engineer could improve his life, if only he would just open his eyes, and learn from the people the world throws him into contact with - auto drivers, for instance? Think about it.

"Sorry, I cannot code this class. It involves for loops. I don't do loops. Umm, no, not that either... It's too small. I expect a reasonable size... and this one is too big. Nooooooo! I definitely cannot take this bug. I'll have to walk all the way to that cubicle at the end to talk to that chap. Nobody ever goes there. I'll have to walk back alone. Tell you what, double my pay for this month, and I'll do it. :sigh: All right. All right.  Don't take that tone with me. I'll do it, ok? Now, what is it exactly that you want me to do with this class?

"What? What was that again? Implement it as singleton? What is a singleton? A design pattern? I see... The plot thickens. What exactly would a design pattern be? Listen, never mind. Could you just take a seat behind me, and guide me step by step? What am I being paid for? Well, I'd be the one doing the typing... What do you mean, 'How can a guy who claims to have been a developer for 5 years not know what design patterns are?' I've been a developer for 5 years, and I don't know what design patterns are. QED. Bet you feel real stupid now, eh? Ha ha.

"Hey, why's this red thingy coming up here when I try to assign the value of pi to this integer? Rules? Programming involves rules, too? No, I don't do any reading or attend trainings. I have the attention span of a lightning bolt. Erm, what were you saying? You're still on that point, or what? Listen, I think your whole premise that just because I'm a Java developer, I have to know more than 5 keywords is as flawed as can be. What're you on about now? 'Best practices'? Something like etiquette, you mean? - apart from all the "rules" you keep banging on? :sigh: The people I have to deal with to earn my daily bread..."


You think I'm being excessively crabby? Tell me something, do you have to travel by autos on a regular basis? Ever been late to a meeting because the driver decided to block the entire left lane at a traffic signal, when what he wanted to do was go straight, and the traffic cop made him take the left turn, adding 15 minutes to your travel time? Ever had the hair on the back of your neck stand up, because of that neat little turning-around-180-degrees-and-into-oncoming-traffic-in-one-swift-motion-without-looking trick? My project lead once arrived in office in tatters; the victim of one of these. Ever had to endure an auto driver's curses at the transgressions of other drivers, while flouting every traffic rule there is with an audacity that is breathtaking to behold? - the saving grace being that you're finding driving classes tough going, and you think, "Well, if this guy got a license..."

Ever had to go around asking total strangers for change? - because the fare turned out to be 80 bucks, and you gave the driver a 100-buck note, and he demanded you give him exact change, "as you were his first passenger for the day"... When your business involves monetary transactions that go something like (X * 6 + 2) on a very, very regular basis, does it make sense to climb out of your bed in the morning, and straight into your auto, with just a 2-rupee coin in your pocket? Ever been in a tearing hurry, and got into an auto whose driver was sitting reading a newspaper, or twiddling his thumbs, only to stop at a busy petrol station that's barely a minute from the place where the auto was standing?

Ever been asked to pay extra because the place you wanted to go was either too near, or too far, or because the place you got down was about 500 metres from a multiplex, and the poor, exploited auto driver would have to drive those 500 metres to the multiplex all alone until he got a fare (a true story, I swear)? Ever had a driver try to convince you that the fake-looking fare card that has the fare as 10 bucks a kilometre is the new one printed just that morning, after an out-of-the-blue decision to increase fares were taken - also that morning, a few minutes before the card was printed? Or been asked to pay extra just because it's raining and you're getting soaked, and he knows there are no other autos in sight? Ever been new to Pune, and asked to be taken to an address, only to be greeted by a blank stare and an "Eh?" Followed, maybe, by a "Listen, I'll take you there if you tell me the way..."

If you've taken a ride in an auto in Pune more than, oh say, 5 times, I'm willing to bet that you've answered "yes" - and a lot more than just once...

Disclaimer:- The rant above is in no way intended to depict the splendid auto drivers of Pune in bad light, most of whom are fine examples of what upstanding citizens should be. Or maybe it is. So, just to redress the balance, I'll give the example of a former colleague of mine, who broke her leg in a fall on a street, and was sitting on the ground for about 15 minutes - subject to the scrutiny of passers-by, who would look down, extend a look of heartfelt sympathy, and move on - before an auto driver gave her a ride, helped her to the elevator, and took even the fare only on her insistence. Maybe there are more such heartwarming tales out there. In the meantime, I would advice the auto-drivers' association to find this chap and have him stuffed. He belongs in a display case.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Alchemist

I bought this book for several reasons. Incessant hyping by several friends; the "over 20 million copies sold" on its back cover is good marketing; the price tag of a relatively reasonable 195 bucks; and the two pages (the prologue - the Narcissus story) I read before putting it in my cart - a beautifully ironic look at love. (Reasons listed in no order other than alphabetic - please disregard any thes, and ands, if you choose to verify the ordering). Anyway, to get right to the point, having read it, I don't see what the hype is all about. Granted, it's a nice "feel good" read, much like a mushy chick flick (I try to be a little offensive now and then) can be a nice "feel good" watch sometimes. But really, 20 million copies? Maybe the people who bought it after the first few millions have been conned by Reason #2, but what of the guy who bought the 6748th copy? Why did he buy it? Look, if you guys are expecting answers to these questions, you might as well stop reading now. I have no answers. I just like to ask rhetorical questions.

Since one of my chief complaints against it is that my decidedly warped outlook could find in it no relevance to our existence in the "real" world, I have to be prepared for the inevitable retort. Why does it have to have any relevance, reality wise? Well, it doesn't have to, ordinarily. But when something is hyped as a book that is like "watching the sun rise while the rest of the world sleeps", a little dose of reality wouldn't be amiss. The universe conspires to realise our dreams, as long as we just work towards fulfilling them? Please. Werner Herzog films are probably more realistic in their depiction of the universe's attitude toward human dreams and aspirations. It looks on amusedly for a while, then laughs nastily like a villain in a bad film, rips up our petty little dreams into microscopic shreds, dances on them a while, and throws the remains in our faces.

Okay, maybe I'm just being nasty. But I really don't think the universe is anything more than neutral in matters of human dreams. To paraphrase (or, mutilate beyond comprehension) "Casablanca", is it logical that the problems (or "dreams", if you prefer) of the little specs of dust that are us homo sapiens, amounts to anything more than a hill of beans, in the overall scheme of things? Reading a newspaper, surfing a few news channels, or even walking a city street, usually sets at rest any misconceptions I have about the value of human life from the perspective of the universe. Even if I am wrong on that, let me ask you one question. If the universe were to work overtime, arranging intricate coincidences - including a bloody war - just so that this one guy can find his little box of jewels, isn't it irrevocably altering the lives of scores of other unfortunates, both directly and subtly? Oh, I know, I know. The lives of other people are affected only in a good way, right? Even that war was only to balance out life, or whatever the hell that was, and all those cut up into tiny little pieces, just became part of the Soul of the World, right? Rather than shout out, "Wake up and smell the coffee!" I'll just move on with quiet dignity...

There's this one other thing that I need to get off my chest. I can only be told so many times that every blasted little thing you see holds the answer to life, the universe and everything. Observe twigs falling to the ground, and it tells you the past and the present, and even a little of the future. Observe a little grain of sand, and it speaks of the marvels of creation. Observe the wind blowing through the tree tops, and it tells you why Kimi Räikkönen's car had electronic troubles in the Spanish Grand Prix. Maybe if I stared at my keyboard long enough, my assignment will take care of itself. A beautiful thought. Feel-goodism just cannot get better. But when every other page consists of our hero staring at something, and finding the language of the world, or whatever, it gets a little annoying.

I am probably starting to come across like one of those guys who rant at "Body Double", jeering at the ludicrous plot, when the only thing that should matter is what a sublime piece of film making it is. Most of my favourite films and books are about as watertight plot-wise, as the Titanic was after its rendezvous with the iceberg. There's no way a guy who has Raymond Chandler amongst his favourites can really argue that plausibility is everything. My beef is not against the book as a good way to pass an evening. It's a nice, breezy read, all right; and that you should listen to your heart, and follow your dreams, I can't really quarrel with. It's its exalted status amongst the people I spoke to, as a kind of life-altering experience, that I take issue with.

To give a comparison, if someone wanted to write a book with the message that, oh let's say, the straight drive should always be played with the leading elbow straight and high - an admirable goal - the way to send that message across would be to give usable tips on how to go about it, the troubles you would face, how to overcome them, etc; and to avoid the temptation of putting in balderdash like the whole universe conspiring to keep your elbow high, if only you would listen to your abdominal guard. Let not the fact that it's a cricket manual hamper your artist's spirit - throw in parables, use metaphors to your hearts content, have a love affair as a side plot featuring this pretty girl whom our hero, the Tendulkar wannabe, meets at an elbow-raising session, but for heaven's sake, don't spoil it all by also putting in some wishy-washy fairy tale, that is about as useful as a sword in a western. That's all I'm trying to say. Is that really so hard to understand? (The last two sentences are best read as a sort of Basil Fawlty whinge.)

Now, far be it for me to suggest there's no scope for a little magic in the world. My views on that are best summed up by paraphrasing Celine quoting Einstein in "Before Sunset" - if you don't believe that there's a little magic in this world, you're better off dead. It's just that if a book tries to capture this spirit of magic, it's better off ensconcing it in a healthy dose of reality - especially if it's meant to be one of those "I once read a book, and it changed my life" types.

And my perception of reality does not include a beautiful, ordered world, with a "destiny" that is there for your taking. A cruel world with enough of a smattering of beauty to keep the peddlers of hope off the streets, is more like it. And, above all, a world of coincidences. Indifferent coincidences. Like in a Buñuel film. A life without destiny, buffeted about by random events. Maybe some of them have a touch of magic to them. Maybe some of those are "meant" to be hints, or nudges, by a "higher power" with a macabre sense of humour, towards a better life. But certainly not of the sort that leads a Spanish shepherd across the desert in a journey that leads to a treasure, with the kind of split-second timing you see in slapstick. Sure, as the first half of the book suggests (before it wanders off into la la land), there are things you can do to better your odds. But better your odds is all. As famously said, a butterfly flapping its wings in Japan could cause a storm in New York. And maybe that storm in New York could make all the difference between you fulfilling your dreams, or... erm, you not fulfilling them (you know what I mean).

So, now that "The Alchemist" wouldn't be my recommendation for the artistic equivalent of the dreadful chore of waking up at an unearthly hour to watch the sunrise, what would my choice be? Well, I can't seem to remember having read that many books that fit the title. My memory for books is dreadful, and besides, a book takes far longer to read than it takes to watch a movie. Ever heard of a sunrise that lasts a week? I thought not...

Let me put forward for your consideration two movies for no reason other than that I've watched them recently (well, fairly recently, anyway). "Bridge to Terabithia" and "Fanny and Alexander" (especially the TV version). They're very different from "The Alchemist" (and from each other) in tone and message, but they're both powerful testaments to our greatest gift - the imagination. Sunrise watching, I don't remember ever doing, but if I did, I would imagine it would make me feel like these two films did. And I don't mean sleepy.

A girl captures sunlight in a purse, filtered a lovely blue by frosted glass, and allowed to escape later, only to seek out and illuminate a set of keys to the dungeons of the Dark Master... well, okay, the set of keys to Dad's toolshed. A sublime essay brings to life visions of an underwater adventure; the words morph into images in the eyes of a listener - and I do mean that literally. Two misfits escape the loneliness, the bullying, the neglect, the wants of their reality with nothing more than friendship and imagination. The world they build for themselves cannot quite save them from the torments of the world around them, but it is always there for them to escape to for a little while. A little kid escapes the tyranny of a very authoritarian religious household by flights of fancy into dark and disturbing worlds. See him and his little sister make a literal escape into a glorious puppeteer's shop more magical, more fantastic, filled with more treasures, than anything you've ever imagined. A shop that lets you converse with God, houses breathing, glowing mummies, brings you face-to-face with the puppeteer's mysterious brother, who can see into the depths of your soul, and bring the furies hidden away there - safely buried away from the world - to life. And if it's not just images that can sate you, how about this little passage from one of them?

Well, blast. I can't find the passage online, and the DVD is on loan. (See what I mean? My dream was to post it, and the universe conspires against me.) It goes something like this. A man wanders in the wilderness, toward a destination that he and his companions have long since forgotten. There was this bit about a thick cloud covering a mountain - a cloud made of the unfulfilled dreams, frustrations, hopes and fears of countless generations of people. This cloud forms a river that flows down the mountain through eternity. Its waters could quench the thirst of all those people whose wanderings have parched their throats. But the thing is, they're so caught up in their quest for their nameless goal, and their suffering, that they fail to notice this river, and the forests on its banks that could shelter them from the harsh sun - even when their journeys lead them to walk beside its waters... It's a rather long scene, and, while this is the gist, as I remember it, it was put far more beautifully in the film. I will try to post it when I get my DVD back.

Monday, November 12, 2007

An Exploratory First Post

Let's see how this goes. You see, back in school, I was not really into writing. I mean, my school was ICSE, and the standards in English expected of you were rather high. But apart from my assignments (which I avoided whenever I could), and an essay for the English Language paper at the end of every term (a detective story that was exactly the same every time, except for tweaks in plot to fit the question paper), I never wrote anything. Well, almost never. There's always a few exceptions now and then. Until that is, I reached the fag end of my last year in school - Standard Twelve. And then a strange thing happened. I started writing.

The Indian educational system is marvelous. I have been a software engineer for about 4 years now. Up till now, my duties have never required me to know the periodic table, or how to integrate something up to the nth degree (or whatever the hell it was), or the exact scenario when the total kinetic energy produced by a bomb is zero (and, no, the answer is not "when it doesn't explode"). Software engineering requires logical skills, communication skills, and certain other qualities like doggedness, etc (you know, the standard stuff that stands you in "good stead in life" - fill it in yourself).

What it DOES NOT require is the crap that was shoved down my throat during Plus Two. But to get a good job as a software engineer - which is what I wanted, as that subject was just about the only thing I enjoyed (with the exception of my English classes, but that tells more of the wonderful man who took those classes than anything else) - your best bet was to get into a good engineering college, and then take it from there (maybe this has changed now, I don't know). And to get into a good engineering college, you had to do well in maths, physics and chemistry - the aforementioned "crap". Which I didn't. I think I digress.

So, anyway, as the public exams and engineering entrance exams approached, the pressure to do better in those subjects mounted. And to escape all that, I started writing. Mostly attempts at humour, that I'm too embarrassed to share with anyone now. So, what is the point? Is there a point? If you think there isn't a point, could it be a very subtle one that requires reading between the lines? Why should you bother to read between the lines, when there are other ways you could occupy your time? Well, these are all questions that concern you, and as such is not my problem.

Where were we? Ah yes, I started writing. Notwithstanding the last paragraph, I think the point is rather obvious. In fact, I think I did mention it in the last paragraph. So much for reading between the lines. Humph! Writing was a way to get away from my responsibilities. And now, after a long hiatus of several years, I've started again. Why? Will it be temporary, like the last time, or will it last? What responsibilites am I running away from now? Am I running away from any at all? Could there be other torments wreaking havoc on my soul? Or is this just a random whim? Who knows? Maybe time will tell. Maybe it won't. But it'll tell for sure whether it'll tell or not.

That's long enough, no? Before I sign off, though, I guess I have to address this one fear of blogging, or any kind of penning down of thoughts for posterity. That of mediocrity, or worse, the "so bad that it persists for centuries" thingy. You know what I'm talking about. The Edward Bulwer-Lytton or Ed Wood kind of fame. This struck me as I was thinking of something cruel to say in the comments section of a post of a friend of mine. (A far better wordsmith than I ever will be - but then, what has that to do with anything? Does the fact that no one on the planet can wield the willow better than Sachin Tendulkar stop the petty brickbats all too often thrown in his direction?) I think I digress again.

So, paraphrasing myself... "I'll give you a good reason for not blogging. You know people like Robert Frost whose words are quoted admiringly decades after their death? What if I turn out to be the exact opposite? What if, ages and ages hence, after a discussion on "The Road Not Taken", the professor says, "and now for something completely different - Fronkensteen - if you think you've read bad writing, think again; read THIS"?

So, here I am. Boldly marching, head held high, going where only a select few have gone before, staring the possibility of ridicule through the ages dead in the eye. Look at the bravery! The steel! Here is a man to be admired - wish the same could be said of his writing, though...

P.S. - If anyone is thinking of posting a comment along the lines of "Wake up and smell the fresh air (or is it coffee?) You're so full of yourself. Blogs are everywhere. No one's going to remember yours any more than an anonymous grave amongst the millions. Mediocrity's pain is obscurity, not everlasting ridicule;" then I will have to politely ask you to stuff it. Come on. Give me a break. I like to display a bit of bravado now and then. Don't go and spoil it. :D